Vomit from 3/10

Life sucks, more to the point, my life sucks. What the hell did I do? Nothing. I guess that’s the point, I’ve done nothing to make my life better. I live in fear daily; of learning and living.  One disasterous relationship after another, starting with good old mom and dad. And of course, I move back with them to, what? Finally be true to myself? I’d love some support and guidance from family. Not really sure why, they can’t help themselves. Grow up with an alcoholic father to move in with another, thinking I’m breaking the chain- but life seems to repeat itself.   Finally find the strength again to ‘break the chain’, I have family to support me and help out. But they have no time, they’re busy with their own lives creating and making the best of their daily decisions.  Judging me and my choices over the years no doubt. Sometimes I wonder why do I want to be around family?  Might as well invite the devil to be my best friend, I think the results would be the same. I get it though, I can’t help myself, why would they want to get involved in such an emotional draining mess? I can only take so much from people as well, why should I expect that someone would want to take on my black hole? Emotions are getting really heavy lately, I hate most every body. Which ultimately means I hate myself I gather. How do I fix this? I want to run away, but why, and for what purpose? I have no desires or dreams, absolutely nothing. Getting off an anti-depressant was great for” feeling the emotions needed to navigate our way through life” to just feel ugly feelings all the time. My anger has been so overwhelming it’s not even funny. I’m starting to wonder if I prefer being on an anti-depressant; although it seemed a lot easier to entertain thoughts of death while on pills. One day the rope i keep feeding myself might hang me, many days I wish it would. Who the hell would want to get involved with this kind of person. I should take what I have and run, but there’s a part of me that feels like I’m settling. Settling for someone else to take up my baggage and distract me from my real issues of denial. Is that what a life partner is suppose to do? So back to running away… obviously I can’t run away from my feelings. I can run away from family and friends- I don’t think they’d care too much. Maybe a fleeting moment here and there, but we get accustom to our world around us and who is in it at the moment. My experience is that out of sight out of mind. My kids don’t particularly like me, I don’t think they’d want to keep me around if it were a choice. I guess I feel that there aren’t many if any that would want to keep me part of their life. How depressing, I hate being so depressing, but I don’t know how to help myself other than complain. Lets think positive, I’m venting (journaling) as a way to heal and release the negative to invite understanding and growth. I’ll buy it for the moment anyway.

I’m not going to blame anyone for my useless station in life. It was my lack of forethought and strength. As much as I’d like to blame my parents for their dismissive parental approach, it turned out I did the very same thing. My mind’s eye tells me I was more affectionate, loving and supportive- but that could be a load of crap. I see how my kids create the chaos of their own doing just because they can. For manipulation purposes or whatever, their mood dictates it that way. Who’s to say I didn’t do the same thing. Although I can say my parents have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. And of course here I am back living under their roof! Brilliant! Very healthy for me to experience the same disrespect and disgust between 2 people who raised you. So yes there is some blame I’d like to dish out. I look at other parents, of my parents generation and wonder how different would I be if I had an independent mom or a loving and supportive father. But then I see people of my generation with just as dysfunctional childhoods, some even mirror my own, but they turned out better. Some turned out worse, but there are those who made a point to be stronger, more independent and successful. It was never even a thought in my useless brain! I feel like I just accepted life for what it was and that someone else would always take care of me. WHY? What would’ve ever given me the false hope that some prince charming would come and want to take care of this mess I call self.

So my communication skills suck. More than I even knew. How does one fix that? Therapy? Go back to school for communications? I think it’s a bit different, but it couldn’t hurt. So I want to go back to school, but for what? What is my passion in life? Oh that’s right, if I had one I wouldn’t be typing this at the moment. I guess I have to settle for something. I need to find something. A starting point would help. One question posed to me last year, simple yet perplexing; where do you want to live? I guess it’s as good a place to start. Maybe if I don’t have a place it should involve the people I want to be around. Or don’t want to be around. I’m glad I’m typing, I feel like I’m fine tuning my typing skills. Brian actually didn’t think I wanted a smart phone… curious. I wonder how I come across to them? I think I probably seem a bit pathetic and useless. I’ve not found myself in situations that I needed technology to survive, it’s not my lifestyle, but I’m rethinking that I need to make it so. Otherwise I will be completely useless and relatable.  

Loving people just isn’t enough in my world. There are a lot of expectations. But here I am, and my first thought of where I want to live is; near family. (Even though I constantly feel judged.) Why would I want that for myself? I wish I didn’t feel an emotional attachment to anything. (Anti-depressants?) I am experiencing happiness at a new level though, unfortunately it seems less and less. The anger emotion is the dominant one and getting more frequent. I want to move, but I don’t want to move ever again. I’m so tired of moving. I just want to settle down, still! It’s all I’ve ever wanted. The one thing I do know.

I love the ocean. Should I move near the ocean? I need a job near the ocean. How about just get a good job and then visit the ocean a lot? Why do I keep looking to who I know to get me to the next level? Why can’t I just rely on myself, have faith and get it going? Just do it! Get up and do something. Grrrrrr.

 

I want to call J, but I won’t let myself. He’s the only one who wants me and I can’t even be there for him. I am such a disaster and I think I’m beginning to hate myself for it. I’m beginning to really dislike my daughter, which i get the think is her feeling as well, I can’t believe how selfish she is yet, she is the best she’s ever been. She's 17, its the age i'm told. I really hope so.

Calling J. Hmm? Why? No answer, not surpised.

Worked on my resume today. That’s a good start. Boy I want alcohol.