Thursday

I'm finding navigating my way through this blog and technology itself a bit more time consuming than expected. its more a diary for myself , but its just more frustration i don't want.
therapy was awesome, i think. my new friend is great. she hit me with "flight or flee" and when an animal can do neither, they collapse. it seems this is me, now how do i take this information and learn from it? get better? get healthy? get in life? i don't understand why it made me cry though, because it hit a nerve? I really don't get therapy. I understand its alot of work, especially for someone who has lived their life navigating the same way for 44 years. I had a dream i was yelling at my mother that she should've stood up for my brother. over and over again she turns her back. in the dream my brother and my father were having some conflict, my brother walked away. she wanted to come complain about my dad and i just let her have it. how she never stood up for us. ultimately my brother has walked away from both of them, he has created a world where he doesn't need them in any way.
I on the other hand married a man who became an alcoholic, wanted to blame me for that. in a way i wonder, but does anyone really have that kind of control? my dad does with my mom. she is absolutely spineless and when she gets angry enough she will lash back, but its empty. so i lived with my parents 18 years before i moved out for 6 months to try art school. i couldnt commit to a major so i walked away. back into my parents dysfunctional home. then i moved in with my husband to be and got married, straight into another relationship i really had no business being in, brilliant. had a son a year into marriage, no not planned. nothing in my life has ever been planned. so a couple years and alot of chaos later i talk about ending the marriage and he thinks we can fix things and things will change. Another baby on the way.. i know what you're thinking, i agree. so we move, we settle, he wants more out of a job. he quits his job. we both work for the same company. he quits, something is better out there. with every new job, it was worse than the last. we move back to south florida where my daughter was born. back to all the negative influences possible to wedge into a marriage. drinking and drugs and then more of that. ugly situations over and over and i turned into my mom, i just rolled over. so many and i mean many situations later he's hauled off to jail and its just me and the kids. i'm ready, this has been the opening i'd been waiting for. it was months before my son let him come home, a half year or more. i was ok with him moving back, he was going to AA and really practicing the program. he was trying hard, thoughtful and charming, but after some time i realized i just couldn't do it anymore. he wasn't living a lie anymore and i didnt want to live a lie either. i just became numb to any feelings towards him, I tried to find them but i moved out.
and you guessed it! back in with my dysfunctional parents! who are really going to throw me over the sanity barrier. financially it is the only option i can do. i make pennies and my ex makes pennies. when i moved out i left the kids home with him, not the best decision, but financially it was the only option. the house went on the market, sold as a short sale and still have crazy debt to split. so its been almost a year and a half. i've saved a couple hundred dollars, but that could be temporary. it just cost me $2700 to fix my car. my 20 year old son is on probation till may then he wants to go into the military. god i hope that works, because he doesnt. then theres my 17 year old daughter who got it in her head to move to a new school for her last half of high school. her and the ex moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 small children. after only dating a couple months.. nope I said nothing and let it all happen. so with them moving out of the house that wasnt selling, he wouldnt let me live there, everything's his he once said out of anger. he says he wants to be there for me if i need, but only if i take him back. yes and he's still with her!! WTF is absolutley right! well my daughter couldnt or wouldnt fit in down in her new school and wanted her friends and social life back. so she actually moved in with me so she could get back to her old high school. something i thought pigs would need to fly first cause nobody comes to this house for a reason. my ex even said no way would he let the kids live here with an alcoholic and such dysfunction. well i guess it served their purpose so they'll rollover until the ex finds an apartment within the school district. its been 2 months and its been really good, surprisingly. everyone has kept their distance and been civil. not that there isn't moments, but if you knew the personalities involved i'm quite proud of all of them. this is a place where each person wants acknowledgement and prefers not to be the first one to say hello. ugh!!
so back to therapy yesterday, she made me think that i won't be able to help myself until i get out of this house. that i am why section 8 housing is out there. so i did it, i called the housing authority. i had to leave a message, but i will follow up tomorrow even if i have to go there. which i think i prefer anyway. all this typing i've been doing lately, i wish it were a remedy to getting out of my own way so i can go and create a new life. everything is baby steps