GRRRRR

Seriously sooooo sick of being angry. How do i just shut off the the emotional button that is driving me crazy???? So i'm told i need to recognize the triggers and defuse the situation. Really?? the only thing that will defuse the situation is a million dollars so i can run away from everyone. if i dare speak, i'm held accountable for my "thoughtless" words- i know, i'm so cruel. everything about me just oozes heartless, why not.
but i did pull myself back, recognized the horrible anger that was taking over, venomous fits of rage being unleashed at evryone i felt deserving- in my head the wrath was playing out. and of course the Dr appt I had scheduled to re-evaluate whether or not i should go back on an anti depressant was cancelled. i wanted to scream at her and at everyone who came across my path. even as heartless as i am, i somehow stay contained, i probably look constipated but i kept it in. why destroy everyone elses day? why not- maybe i should. unfortunately i'm not graceful at being mean. I dont do it well at all. i guess thats why Jack calls me gracious, in all the BS i still keep my emotions in check. all i want to do is lash out!!!!! lash out at good old mom and dad, maybe even my poor daughter who in her own right has mastered the art of  utilizing guilt for control. why not. each of us in this family has some how mastered it on one level or another. my mom by indirect conversation and not asking directly and whoa is me. dad just ignores and if you have a question or have something to say he just gets annoyed that your taking up space, unless of course its about the Legion. the only place that he has time for. but they're all still "jack asses", everyone is in his book.
he is the most useless person i've ever met, and hes MY father. so i reach out to other family members for some guidance, maybe a little support. how about try harder. I understand that i'm going to have obstacles and that just because i put myself out there, a little or a lot- I cant give up. i need to try harder and then even harder still. I recognize that every obstacle is there to creat a stronger resolve within myself. but i am creating more? Do i just accept the fact that i'm on my own? i just want a do over, i really think i do. i never did, but i am haywire freaking out without freaking out, i think my mind is on the verge of collapse! i'm starting to get afraid of myself. and its so strsnge that one minute i am able to keep it together than all of a sudden i just want to throw a fit and say fuck it and fuck you and you and you!!! i have no advocate except myself. wow, what a horrible mother i really am. too afraid of my own shadow to be a parent. love. wtf.
so good nobody reads this crap, i really wish it made me feel better. i'm actually starting to think that its making things worse. what a roller coaster of a day today. and of course dad, home, in his same and only spot other than his bed when he's home- does absolutely nothing. cant be bothered to lift a fucking finger. cant bring in the mail, cant unload a dishwasher to put anything away. cant clean up his little 2x2 counter- just lets shit pile on top of pile on top of pile. how about his garage, or basement. the biggest most rediculous piles of shit that he has 15 copies of because he buys it, misplaces it then buys another, and another. the crap we're gonna have to clean up after he dies is insane. and all this makes me hate my mom. she allows him to walk all over her, work all day to pay the bills and come home at 7, while hes in his one and only spot, so she can cook dinner and wait on him. its not enough that she cooks for him, she brings it to him, she cleans up after him. all while he does nothing. doesnt try to help. what kind of relationship is this? and she lets it go. no I'm sorry she doesnt let it go, she complains to me. get your own therapist. i am going crazy. i really wonder if i can admit myself into a crazy clinic. is there such a thing for people who feel like theyr losing their mind? or am i just running away from myself? i cant support myself and if i just pick a guy to take care of me, my family wont have any respect for me, if they even have any anyway. just a do-over. where is my fairy godmother in all this? anyone, anyone interested in advocating on my behalf? give me a little hand, i dont care- just push me. push me hard. do i reach out to Ellen? she s so good at giving people a helping hand, but i guess i bring a mental downer to the table. no one wants mental, i know i don't. i'd rather be numb to the feeling of emotion. this anger stuff is for the birds. maybe i'll write Ellen.