New Day

Thank God for a new day. Thank God I can edit! Does that mean I didn't really mean what i wrote? or felt? I think my issue is i do not know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings of emotions, and what a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes I wonder if i'm bi-polar on some level. One thing i have noticed is that i only get mentally crazy once, sometimes twice a month. Which also coincides with pimples and sore boobs. It must be hormones. I swear every year on my birthday since i turned 40 my body changes in horrific ways, usually its the exterior i see deteriorate. This year I think its my brain. i need to work out more,  oh yay.
So I didn't want my last post to be called Vomit. Although we all need to expell negative energy as needed. Since I feel a sense of peace today I thought I should write a little, hopefully profound thoughts that I took away from walking through the valley of darkness. Good Lord how our minds can control so much of who and what we are. I know there are pills for these things and there are hollistic ways of dealing with these things. I know I shouldn't drink more than one glass of wine at a time.I know I should work out daily. I KNOW those 2 things alone would make a huge difference, even if it just lessens the dark days- that is huge! SO! Why can't I? or shall I say why don't I? Bottom line I don't want to. Nobody's fault but my own. I really need to disconnect to the old way and start new ways, so why don't i want to, especially knowing it will make my life better??
Meeting with a new therapist has been great so far, if I can make such a profession with only 2 visits.
She made an analogy with the "fight or flight" quote. What do animals do when they can no longer do either? They collapse. It hit me like a brick and the tears began. I collected myself quickly, but the reaction to the comment was an intense emotion. We are the only animal on the planet that allows the brain to override our instincts. There is such an amazing genetic interaction from our bodies to survive. I read a great analogy in Deepak Chopra's, The Book of Secrets. Secret 1; The Mystery of Life is Real. Our cells are fueled by the same things every day, our bodies follow a perfect wisdom of survival. We can learn so much about ourselves and how we could make our world better if we utilized the same principals. Every cell in our body works together for the benefit of the whole being. Cells adapt from moment to moment ready to respond to immediate situations. "Getting caught up in rigid habits is not an option." Cells recognize the individual importance each plays in the bigger picture, for the greater good.
I bring all that up because I find it an intriguing concept and because I know I need to realize I am suffering from a conditioning my body used to protect itself while i was younger. I have emotionally recognized it is not a useful tool for survival. I need to recondition my "bodyguard" cells to re-evaluate their roll. Make sense? To me it does anyway. Strange how I need to compartmentalize these things, for understanding or healing, whatever.
Again, my communication skills lack. But this is why I journal, in hopes that it will develop my thought process and therefore communicating. Also now that I blog and not journal, I am developing my typing skills, even maybe understanding a little technology. I'll take any of it. its better than nothing.
Peace!!!