GRRRRR

Seriously sooooo sick of being angry. How do i just shut off the the emotional button that is driving me crazy???? So i'm told i need to recognize the triggers and defuse the situation. Really?? the only thing that will defuse the situation is a million dollars so i can run away from everyone. if i dare speak, i'm held accountable for my "thoughtless" words- i know, i'm so cruel. everything about me just oozes heartless, why not.
but i did pull myself back, recognized the horrible anger that was taking over, venomous fits of rage being unleashed at evryone i felt deserving- in my head the wrath was playing out. and of course the Dr appt I had scheduled to re-evaluate whether or not i should go back on an anti depressant was cancelled. i wanted to scream at her and at everyone who came across my path. even as heartless as i am, i somehow stay contained, i probably look constipated but i kept it in. why destroy everyone elses day? why not- maybe i should. unfortunately i'm not graceful at being mean. I dont do it well at all. i guess thats why Jack calls me gracious, in all the BS i still keep my emotions in check. all i want to do is lash out!!!!! lash out at good old mom and dad, maybe even my poor daughter who in her own right has mastered the art of  utilizing guilt for control. why not. each of us in this family has some how mastered it on one level or another. my mom by indirect conversation and not asking directly and whoa is me. dad just ignores and if you have a question or have something to say he just gets annoyed that your taking up space, unless of course its about the Legion. the only place that he has time for. but they're all still "jack asses", everyone is in his book.
he is the most useless person i've ever met, and hes MY father. so i reach out to other family members for some guidance, maybe a little support. how about try harder. I understand that i'm going to have obstacles and that just because i put myself out there, a little or a lot- I cant give up. i need to try harder and then even harder still. I recognize that every obstacle is there to creat a stronger resolve within myself. but i am creating more? Do i just accept the fact that i'm on my own? i just want a do over, i really think i do. i never did, but i am haywire freaking out without freaking out, i think my mind is on the verge of collapse! i'm starting to get afraid of myself. and its so strsnge that one minute i am able to keep it together than all of a sudden i just want to throw a fit and say fuck it and fuck you and you and you!!! i have no advocate except myself. wow, what a horrible mother i really am. too afraid of my own shadow to be a parent. love. wtf.
so good nobody reads this crap, i really wish it made me feel better. i'm actually starting to think that its making things worse. what a roller coaster of a day today. and of course dad, home, in his same and only spot other than his bed when he's home- does absolutely nothing. cant be bothered to lift a fucking finger. cant bring in the mail, cant unload a dishwasher to put anything away. cant clean up his little 2x2 counter- just lets shit pile on top of pile on top of pile. how about his garage, or basement. the biggest most rediculous piles of shit that he has 15 copies of because he buys it, misplaces it then buys another, and another. the crap we're gonna have to clean up after he dies is insane. and all this makes me hate my mom. she allows him to walk all over her, work all day to pay the bills and come home at 7, while hes in his one and only spot, so she can cook dinner and wait on him. its not enough that she cooks for him, she brings it to him, she cleans up after him. all while he does nothing. doesnt try to help. what kind of relationship is this? and she lets it go. no I'm sorry she doesnt let it go, she complains to me. get your own therapist. i am going crazy. i really wonder if i can admit myself into a crazy clinic. is there such a thing for people who feel like theyr losing their mind? or am i just running away from myself? i cant support myself and if i just pick a guy to take care of me, my family wont have any respect for me, if they even have any anyway. just a do-over. where is my fairy godmother in all this? anyone, anyone interested in advocating on my behalf? give me a little hand, i dont care- just push me. push me hard. do i reach out to Ellen? she s so good at giving people a helping hand, but i guess i bring a mental downer to the table. no one wants mental, i know i don't. i'd rather be numb to the feeling of emotion. this anger stuff is for the birds. maybe i'll write Ellen.

New Day

Thank God for a new day. Thank God I can edit! Does that mean I didn't really mean what i wrote? or felt? I think my issue is i do not know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings of emotions, and what a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes I wonder if i'm bi-polar on some level. One thing i have noticed is that i only get mentally crazy once, sometimes twice a month. Which also coincides with pimples and sore boobs. It must be hormones. I swear every year on my birthday since i turned 40 my body changes in horrific ways, usually its the exterior i see deteriorate. This year I think its my brain. i need to work out more,  oh yay.
So I didn't want my last post to be called Vomit. Although we all need to expell negative energy as needed. Since I feel a sense of peace today I thought I should write a little, hopefully profound thoughts that I took away from walking through the valley of darkness. Good Lord how our minds can control so much of who and what we are. I know there are pills for these things and there are hollistic ways of dealing with these things. I know I shouldn't drink more than one glass of wine at a time.I know I should work out daily. I KNOW those 2 things alone would make a huge difference, even if it just lessens the dark days- that is huge! SO! Why can't I? or shall I say why don't I? Bottom line I don't want to. Nobody's fault but my own. I really need to disconnect to the old way and start new ways, so why don't i want to, especially knowing it will make my life better??
Meeting with a new therapist has been great so far, if I can make such a profession with only 2 visits.
She made an analogy with the "fight or flight" quote. What do animals do when they can no longer do either? They collapse. It hit me like a brick and the tears began. I collected myself quickly, but the reaction to the comment was an intense emotion. We are the only animal on the planet that allows the brain to override our instincts. There is such an amazing genetic interaction from our bodies to survive. I read a great analogy in Deepak Chopra's, The Book of Secrets. Secret 1; The Mystery of Life is Real. Our cells are fueled by the same things every day, our bodies follow a perfect wisdom of survival. We can learn so much about ourselves and how we could make our world better if we utilized the same principals. Every cell in our body works together for the benefit of the whole being. Cells adapt from moment to moment ready to respond to immediate situations. "Getting caught up in rigid habits is not an option." Cells recognize the individual importance each plays in the bigger picture, for the greater good.
I bring all that up because I find it an intriguing concept and because I know I need to realize I am suffering from a conditioning my body used to protect itself while i was younger. I have emotionally recognized it is not a useful tool for survival. I need to recondition my "bodyguard" cells to re-evaluate their roll. Make sense? To me it does anyway. Strange how I need to compartmentalize these things, for understanding or healing, whatever.
Again, my communication skills lack. But this is why I journal, in hopes that it will develop my thought process and therefore communicating. Also now that I blog and not journal, I am developing my typing skills, even maybe understanding a little technology. I'll take any of it. its better than nothing.
Peace!!!

Vomit from 3/10

Life sucks, more to the point, my life sucks. What the hell did I do? Nothing. I guess that’s the point, I’ve done nothing to make my life better. I live in fear daily; of learning and living.  One disasterous relationship after another, starting with good old mom and dad. And of course, I move back with them to, what? Finally be true to myself? I’d love some support and guidance from family. Not really sure why, they can’t help themselves. Grow up with an alcoholic father to move in with another, thinking I’m breaking the chain- but life seems to repeat itself.   Finally find the strength again to ‘break the chain’, I have family to support me and help out. But they have no time, they’re busy with their own lives creating and making the best of their daily decisions.  Judging me and my choices over the years no doubt. Sometimes I wonder why do I want to be around family?  Might as well invite the devil to be my best friend, I think the results would be the same. I get it though, I can’t help myself, why would they want to get involved in such an emotional draining mess? I can only take so much from people as well, why should I expect that someone would want to take on my black hole? Emotions are getting really heavy lately, I hate most every body. Which ultimately means I hate myself I gather. How do I fix this? I want to run away, but why, and for what purpose? I have no desires or dreams, absolutely nothing. Getting off an anti-depressant was great for” feeling the emotions needed to navigate our way through life” to just feel ugly feelings all the time. My anger has been so overwhelming it’s not even funny. I’m starting to wonder if I prefer being on an anti-depressant; although it seemed a lot easier to entertain thoughts of death while on pills. One day the rope i keep feeding myself might hang me, many days I wish it would. Who the hell would want to get involved with this kind of person. I should take what I have and run, but there’s a part of me that feels like I’m settling. Settling for someone else to take up my baggage and distract me from my real issues of denial. Is that what a life partner is suppose to do? So back to running away… obviously I can’t run away from my feelings. I can run away from family and friends- I don’t think they’d care too much. Maybe a fleeting moment here and there, but we get accustom to our world around us and who is in it at the moment. My experience is that out of sight out of mind. My kids don’t particularly like me, I don’t think they’d want to keep me around if it were a choice. I guess I feel that there aren’t many if any that would want to keep me part of their life. How depressing, I hate being so depressing, but I don’t know how to help myself other than complain. Lets think positive, I’m venting (journaling) as a way to heal and release the negative to invite understanding and growth. I’ll buy it for the moment anyway.

I’m not going to blame anyone for my useless station in life. It was my lack of forethought and strength. As much as I’d like to blame my parents for their dismissive parental approach, it turned out I did the very same thing. My mind’s eye tells me I was more affectionate, loving and supportive- but that could be a load of crap. I see how my kids create the chaos of their own doing just because they can. For manipulation purposes or whatever, their mood dictates it that way. Who’s to say I didn’t do the same thing. Although I can say my parents have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. And of course here I am back living under their roof! Brilliant! Very healthy for me to experience the same disrespect and disgust between 2 people who raised you. So yes there is some blame I’d like to dish out. I look at other parents, of my parents generation and wonder how different would I be if I had an independent mom or a loving and supportive father. But then I see people of my generation with just as dysfunctional childhoods, some even mirror my own, but they turned out better. Some turned out worse, but there are those who made a point to be stronger, more independent and successful. It was never even a thought in my useless brain! I feel like I just accepted life for what it was and that someone else would always take care of me. WHY? What would’ve ever given me the false hope that some prince charming would come and want to take care of this mess I call self.

So my communication skills suck. More than I even knew. How does one fix that? Therapy? Go back to school for communications? I think it’s a bit different, but it couldn’t hurt. So I want to go back to school, but for what? What is my passion in life? Oh that’s right, if I had one I wouldn’t be typing this at the moment. I guess I have to settle for something. I need to find something. A starting point would help. One question posed to me last year, simple yet perplexing; where do you want to live? I guess it’s as good a place to start. Maybe if I don’t have a place it should involve the people I want to be around. Or don’t want to be around. I’m glad I’m typing, I feel like I’m fine tuning my typing skills. Brian actually didn’t think I wanted a smart phone… curious. I wonder how I come across to them? I think I probably seem a bit pathetic and useless. I’ve not found myself in situations that I needed technology to survive, it’s not my lifestyle, but I’m rethinking that I need to make it so. Otherwise I will be completely useless and relatable.  

Loving people just isn’t enough in my world. There are a lot of expectations. But here I am, and my first thought of where I want to live is; near family. (Even though I constantly feel judged.) Why would I want that for myself? I wish I didn’t feel an emotional attachment to anything. (Anti-depressants?) I am experiencing happiness at a new level though, unfortunately it seems less and less. The anger emotion is the dominant one and getting more frequent. I want to move, but I don’t want to move ever again. I’m so tired of moving. I just want to settle down, still! It’s all I’ve ever wanted. The one thing I do know.

I love the ocean. Should I move near the ocean? I need a job near the ocean. How about just get a good job and then visit the ocean a lot? Why do I keep looking to who I know to get me to the next level? Why can’t I just rely on myself, have faith and get it going? Just do it! Get up and do something. Grrrrrr.

 

I want to call J, but I won’t let myself. He’s the only one who wants me and I can’t even be there for him. I am such a disaster and I think I’m beginning to hate myself for it. I’m beginning to really dislike my daughter, which i get the think is her feeling as well, I can’t believe how selfish she is yet, she is the best she’s ever been. She's 17, its the age i'm told. I really hope so.

Calling J. Hmm? Why? No answer, not surpised.

Worked on my resume today. That’s a good start. Boy I want alcohol.

Thursday

I'm finding navigating my way through this blog and technology itself a bit more time consuming than expected. its more a diary for myself , but its just more frustration i don't want.
therapy was awesome, i think. my new friend is great. she hit me with "flight or flee" and when an animal can do neither, they collapse. it seems this is me, now how do i take this information and learn from it? get better? get healthy? get in life? i don't understand why it made me cry though, because it hit a nerve? I really don't get therapy. I understand its alot of work, especially for someone who has lived their life navigating the same way for 44 years. I had a dream i was yelling at my mother that she should've stood up for my brother. over and over again she turns her back. in the dream my brother and my father were having some conflict, my brother walked away. she wanted to come complain about my dad and i just let her have it. how she never stood up for us. ultimately my brother has walked away from both of them, he has created a world where he doesn't need them in any way.
I on the other hand married a man who became an alcoholic, wanted to blame me for that. in a way i wonder, but does anyone really have that kind of control? my dad does with my mom. she is absolutely spineless and when she gets angry enough she will lash back, but its empty. so i lived with my parents 18 years before i moved out for 6 months to try art school. i couldnt commit to a major so i walked away. back into my parents dysfunctional home. then i moved in with my husband to be and got married, straight into another relationship i really had no business being in, brilliant. had a son a year into marriage, no not planned. nothing in my life has ever been planned. so a couple years and alot of chaos later i talk about ending the marriage and he thinks we can fix things and things will change. Another baby on the way.. i know what you're thinking, i agree. so we move, we settle, he wants more out of a job. he quits his job. we both work for the same company. he quits, something is better out there. with every new job, it was worse than the last. we move back to south florida where my daughter was born. back to all the negative influences possible to wedge into a marriage. drinking and drugs and then more of that. ugly situations over and over and i turned into my mom, i just rolled over. so many and i mean many situations later he's hauled off to jail and its just me and the kids. i'm ready, this has been the opening i'd been waiting for. it was months before my son let him come home, a half year or more. i was ok with him moving back, he was going to AA and really practicing the program. he was trying hard, thoughtful and charming, but after some time i realized i just couldn't do it anymore. he wasn't living a lie anymore and i didnt want to live a lie either. i just became numb to any feelings towards him, I tried to find them but i moved out.
and you guessed it! back in with my dysfunctional parents! who are really going to throw me over the sanity barrier. financially it is the only option i can do. i make pennies and my ex makes pennies. when i moved out i left the kids home with him, not the best decision, but financially it was the only option. the house went on the market, sold as a short sale and still have crazy debt to split. so its been almost a year and a half. i've saved a couple hundred dollars, but that could be temporary. it just cost me $2700 to fix my car. my 20 year old son is on probation till may then he wants to go into the military. god i hope that works, because he doesnt. then theres my 17 year old daughter who got it in her head to move to a new school for her last half of high school. her and the ex moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 small children. after only dating a couple months.. nope I said nothing and let it all happen. so with them moving out of the house that wasnt selling, he wouldnt let me live there, everything's his he once said out of anger. he says he wants to be there for me if i need, but only if i take him back. yes and he's still with her!! WTF is absolutley right! well my daughter couldnt or wouldnt fit in down in her new school and wanted her friends and social life back. so she actually moved in with me so she could get back to her old high school. something i thought pigs would need to fly first cause nobody comes to this house for a reason. my ex even said no way would he let the kids live here with an alcoholic and such dysfunction. well i guess it served their purpose so they'll rollover until the ex finds an apartment within the school district. its been 2 months and its been really good, surprisingly. everyone has kept their distance and been civil. not that there isn't moments, but if you knew the personalities involved i'm quite proud of all of them. this is a place where each person wants acknowledgement and prefers not to be the first one to say hello. ugh!!
so back to therapy yesterday, she made me think that i won't be able to help myself until i get out of this house. that i am why section 8 housing is out there. so i did it, i called the housing authority. i had to leave a message, but i will follow up tomorrow even if i have to go there. which i think i prefer anyway. all this typing i've been doing lately, i wish it were a remedy to getting out of my own way so i can go and create a new life. everything is baby steps

I am the daughter of an alcoholic father with an enabling mother. They've been married 45 years and the dysfunction was and is rediculously traumatic. I married what turned out to be an egocentic alcoholic who is now 3+ years sober. But one never recovers from ego, theres just no escape. So this is my journey of trying to break the horrific cycle and instead of "finding" my life, I will learn to create my life.